One thing that is so common in all of us is that we often lie about how we feel. We lie about feeling good when we’re not. We lie about being okay when we’re not. It is so common in all of us. – says Kavyal Sedanni, a hypnotherapist, life coach, and healer with fifteen years of experience working with people from all walks of life through counseling and healing.
In the interview for EBC Balkans, she reveals simple, yet profound truths about everyday issues all of us deal with.
IT ALL STARTED WITH PAIN…
The job that she does today was definitely not what she planned for herself when she was younger. She wanted to be an air hostess and travel the world, but life did not turn out the way she thought. She graduated in Home Science, which focuses on subjects that prepare you to be a great homemaker, like a housewife, and manage a home well.
When she was younger, she was overweight and dark. She struggled academically, consistently earning low marks. Her father informed her that once she finished school, he would enroll her in a college without boys. She agreed, as long as it didn’t involve Math.
She didn’t receive any counseling about jobs because she didn’t have the opportunity. Her parents planned for her to finish school and college without getting involved in any romantic relationship, marrying as soon as she was out. She got married at 20. She was okay with it until she experienced massive depression between the ages of 20 and 26. By 24 or 25, she already had two children, now 15 and 17 years old. Life didn’t go as planned; she didn’t become an air hostess, her career didn’t take off, and she wasn’t qualified for anything else. She found herself going from one party to another, seeking opportunities to drink enough alcohol to gather the courage to end her life because she was so unhappy.
During one of those dark times, she experienced what angels are like. When she gathered enough courage to end her life, she heard and felt someone tapping on her shoulder, asking, “What are you trying to do?” It was a wake-up moment for her, realizing she could change her life. She began seeking therapy, workshops, and anything that could help her feel better. In therapy, she discovered something magical that not only helped her but could help many others. She started learning everything—using her hands, words, and experiences—counseling, hypnotherapy, anything available.
HOW DID SHE FIND HER PURPOSE?
She found it because many years before that, she allowed herself to go through the pain. It wasn’t easy or fun, but after failing in numerous areas of her life, it felt like a second chance. She turned her pain into power. She tells everyone coming to her that if they have a certain kind of pain, they have the ability to turn it into power. She does it every single day, feeling privileged for a second chance in life and being in a position to help people.
She wants people to know that no matter how hard it seems at times, it always gets better. But sometimes, before it gets really good, it gets really bad!
COMMON PROBLEMS THAT PEOPLE COME TO HER FOR
Many people come with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, parent-child issues, confusion (“I don’t know my purpose,” “I just don’t feel happy,” “I can do so many things, but I’m just not doing anything”). A lot of people come with a lot of fear—the fear of failure, the fear of judgment, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of not being successful, among other things.
WHO GETS BETTER?
The people who come intending to get better improve very quickly. However, not everyone comes intending to turn their life around. Many people come intending to fix everyone in their surroundings so they can be okay, but they don’t want to fix themselves. They want to share their story and be heard, which she allows, but the moment she suggests, “You need to do this for yourself now,” they are unwilling. They may go from one therapist to another until they find one who tells them what they want to hear. Unfortunately, those people don’t get better; everybody else does.
In the first session, she always asks people this: How badly do they want to get better? They rate it from 1 to 10. If their willingness is 1, 2, 3, or 4, she advises them not to waste their time and hers; just leave. However, if their willingness is 2 out of 10, they will get better as long as they put in the effort. She emphasizes that she has no magic; she can only assist them in their determination. She has a few tools that can help them feel better, but they have to do the work.
THE EFFECT OF YOUR WORK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE DEGREE
She hasn’t chosen anything; what she does is open her arms and say, “I’m open to receiving.” Her approach is grounded in tremendous faith, believing in the system set up for everyone. She allows everything to happen, whether negative or positive. People naturally come to her, and she doesn’t actively market herself or publish anything. Her reputation as an expert in parenting and relationships has grown through the stories she shares on Instagram. She strongly believes that good relationships are the only things truly earned, emphasizing that money won’t stay with you, and one’s richness depends on the quality of relationships. She works very hard on her own relationships, and others see and reflect on that, prompting them to approach her and ask, “How do you do that? Share that with me,” and she willingly does so.
A KARMIC CYCLE
She believes that one’s behavior in a relationship will come back, either in the same relationship or another. If someone has ghosted her without any fault of hers, it is likely to happen to them in another relationship. However, she acknowledges that she cannot control what others go through; she is only responsible for her actions. She doesn’t engage in ghosting or proving points, focusing on treating people the way she wants to be treated, loving others as she wants to be loved, and expressing herself in the manner she desires. She views ghosting, dumping people, and talking badly about them as part of a karmic cycle, asserting that everything will come back to you. She notes that many people don’t accept this truth until they experience it firsthand, and the learning or lesson will find a way to reach them, even if they often learn through their own mistakes. She emphasizes the importance of allowing people to go through their learning process.
COMMON ISSUES ABOUT PARENTHOOD
Many parents have their reasons for not being involved with their children. Some work very hard, lacking time or resources, feeling tired and exhausted, leading to frustration directed at the children. Children’s behavior becomes challenging; they act out, don’t listen. Screen and cellphone addictions are prevalent, and parents struggle to handle these changes in their children’s behavior and attitudes. It’s about turning parents into active parents rather than lazy parents. Parents often pass on their unfulfilled desires, expecting their children to fulfill them. On the other hand, parents are overly involved, obsessive, or possessive. Extreme love, freedom, detachment, or fear is not healthy. She advocates for being present, cutting out excesses, allowing the child to create their life story, observing, respecting, and being in allowance of that.
“You can’t be the master of your child’s destiny; it’s a lot about acceptance.”
WHAT ABOUT HER CHILDREN?
Kavyal says: “ They take me as a very normal mother, for granted. They come to me for everyday concerns, like when the wifi isn’t working or when they need permission for a picnic. I’m sure they are proud of the work I do because they hear from others that their mom helped with various issues. However, they are not very expressive; they hold their love in their hearts. What I love about them is that they are watching and learning. They are compassionate, warm, respectful, know how to manage their time and understand that their mother is not responsible for how their lives turn out. They take responsibility for their lives, and that’s a blessing.”
BRINGING THE JOB TO HER TEENAGERS?
Definitely not.- she says. There is a thing that I’ve mastered. When I walk out of my office and go home, I’m a very different person as a wife and mother, and I do not carry the baggage of being a therapist. I don’t think, “I am a therapist; this is how I should be treated; this is how I should talk to them.” No, I literally mirror the person who is in front of me. So, if they are my children, I will be childlike with them. I do not give advice unless I’m asked. If my children come to me, I ask them, “Sweetheart, do you want advice or do you want support?” because often teenagers know exactly what they want to do, but they want a hug, cuddle, or a space where they can share their secrets without fear of me telling their father or reacting negatively. I have to create that space for them, and we can all do that. I’m not often in the mother’s role of giving instructions, asking if they did this or that, about exams, etc. I’m not involved in that area.
It is simple. People do not like to be advised unless they have asked for it. It’s not my job to sit in a position of ego and tell my children everybody is paying me for my advice, and they should listen to it. I don’t need to turn them into miniature Kavyal Sadannies; I need to let them be who they are. Sometimes they know best what’s for their lives. They know their environment better than me. They know their problems better than me. Only when they are stuck, I suggest, “You could do this or that. This could be the consequence of each. What do you feel like doing?” I will give them back 3 or 4 questions and leave the decision to them. In any relationship, we need to understand that nobody likes to be advised unless asked.
CONFUSED AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO?
When people are confused she asks them her favorite question: “If some magic had to happen tonight that could change your life for the better tomorrow, what would that magic need to be?” When they answer that question, that’s usually where the problem lies. That’s the area we need to work on.
Asking yourself that question can reveal many answers.
SHARING A SIMPLE TRANSFORMATIVE EXPERIENCE
“This story is very close to my heart and happened at the beginning of my career. It made me believe in the intention I had for healing people. I am not established as a psychologist by qualification; life brought me to the healing platform, and I learned a lot about hypnotherapy, neurolinguistics therapy, consolation, and everything else. I was very underconfident about starting a career because many people in the field could be judgmental. In the early days of my career, a woman approached me after meeting me for a cup of coffee in a group where we were learning together. She said, “I have a feeling that you will be able to help me.” I was surprised, thinking, “Me? I’m just learning with you; I’m studying with you. How could I help you?” She insisted, saying she had a feeling, and she had been to 15 therapists before. In the initial sessions with me, every question I asked, she would shut down and not speak. I wasn’t making progress, and I didn’t see any success with this case. By the third session, I said, “Let’s leave all of this; I’m tired of it.”
I asked, “What do you like doing?” and she said, “I love singing,” and I said, “Let’s just sing.” I love singing, she loves singing, and we just sat and sang for 45 minutes. At the end of 45 minutes, she cried and cried and cried, saying that the tears hadn’t flowed for 15 years; she had held them inside. Suddenly, she felt like a dam burst, and then she said she was ready to work with her inner child and got permission to heal because she found somebody who could appreciate her need for music. Can you imagine? Singing together created magic.
I feel that each one of us has the ability to be that person for somebody else. We just need to see them enough. They just need to see, “Okay, this person really gets me.” And I’m yet to come across anything more powerful than that. It wasn’t my psychology or the magic of my healing; it was just pure human connection. I see you; you are important to me; I feel you; I want you to feel better. What should we do? It was the intention.
STRUGGLE TO ASK FOR HELP
A lot of people struggle to ask for help. I struggle myself. When I need help, I find it difficult. I might go to my husband, saying, “I know that I’m feeling down, and I know that I’m not okay, and I know I’m depressed about something. What do I do?” One thing that is so common in all of us is that we often lie about how we feel. We lie about feeling good when we’re not. We lie about being okay when we’re not. It is so common in all of us.
If you’re just sitting with someone, assuming that one part of them is not okay, and you can extend your compassion, your love, your understanding, the gift of your hearing, you have the ability to heal them in that moment. We are not different; we are all the same.
MESSAGE FOR EVERYBODY REGARDING MENTAL HEALTH
Whatever you are going through, it is not happening TO you; it is happening FOR you. Whether it is a financial crisis, divorce, or not being able to have children, it’s all happening for you. If your dreams are not coming true, it’s happening for you and leading you to a place you never find possible. So keep doing the work on yourself, be proud of yourself, be proud of who you are. You don’t have to be proud after you achieve something.
You need to be proud that you have survived the game of life so far, and in the game of life, you have also unconsciously hurt a lot of people, but you have also healed a lot of people.
Be proud that you have a footprint on this planet, and that you can create magic. Just be compassionate, be loving, be kind. If you can be anything in this world, please be kind because there’s too much violence in this world. Just be kind, and it will be enough.
