Self-Love and Selfishness

Author: Anisha, Dejanović Sanja

I feel it is essential to share a few thoughts on self-love and selfishness. Why? These two terms may sound alike, almost as if they’re synonyms—especially in Serbian—but they are anything but. A person who loves themselves and a person driven by selfishness are fundamentally different.

Loving yourself is a journey, a process of awakening. It begins with the realization that one may not, in fact, truly love oneself. Many people assume they do—if I don’t love myself, who do I love?—but their actions often reveal otherwise. A person who loves themselves will not act against their own well-being, nor will they harm others in doing so. Instead, self-love cultivates harmonious relationships. The love we build within ourselves flows naturally into how we treat others, touching everyone we meet, regardless of our connections.

A person who practices self-love approaches themselves with deep respect. They prioritize their needs, but never at the expense of others; they value imperfection and flaws, not as limits, but as opportunities to grow, nurture virtues, and elevate themselves. Such a person is kind and considerate both toward themselves and others. They are unaffected by others’ opinions or tone of voice, feeling no need to dominate or diminish others to feel valuable. They understand that, though we are all unique, we are fundamentally equal. With this awareness, they approach others with kindness and respect, willing to help if possible, but never causing harm.

By contrast, selfishness paints a very different picture. A selfish person believes they love themselves, but this is far from the truth. Selfish people take, manipulate, and make empty promises, feeding their vanity and ego. They miss out on richer, deeper emotional states—on the experience of true human and divine love. They don’t love themselves as they are but instead cling to a belief that they are special or more important than others. Because of this, they are trapped in superficial relationships with both themselves and others. When we cannot offer genuine emotions to ourselves, we cannot give them to others either; everything begins within. Whoever first understood this and shared it with the world did a great service.

Lonely individuals are often profoundly unhappy, so clouded by ego or some inner shadow that they neither see it nor can they begin to work on changing it. Even when people recognize the need for change, fear can hold them back; they may feel incapable of transformation, unable to envision a more fulfilling life. Others may feel no need to change at all, fulfilling a role that tests those of us who choose to confront our inner chaos. And as we clean up that inner disorder, our outer lives also become more peaceful. After all, we wouldn’t invite guests to our home when it’s in disarray. Similarly, if you desire meaningful, harmonious relationships, clean up your inner space first, so that when you invite someone into your life, you’re ready to share love and respect without imposing conditions.

Self-love flows from the love of God. As the Bible says: “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” Loving God means loving and appreciating yourself as a spark of God, as God’s child. Then, as it continues, “love others as yourself, as a reflection of God.” Self-love is therefore neither selfish nor egotistical; it is vital. Without it, we become overly concerned with others’ affairs, leading to widespread harm and suffering.

The Bible reminds us to “love others as ourselves.” This is not just about kindness toward others; it speaks to the very wisdom of self-love. Whoever loves themselves deeply has a natural love for others. They find joy in others’ happiness and are motivated to end relationships or habits that bring harm, all out of self-love. If something brings value to them and to others, they will cherish it.

Take it slow. Be patient with yourself and others.