Author: Leela-Jelena Raičević
The experience I want to share with you happened almost four years ago, in February 2021. Since then, I have tried several times to put it on paper and give it a new dimension of existence and availability to others. The reason I kept giving up was the doubt that words can even convey something that transcends them. Something that divided my life into before and after. It was one of the peaks of the “Corona times,” when the first retreat with Mohanji was announced after a long break. The euphoria was enormous! A sign that life was returning to some normality, and above all, that I would once again see Mohanji, and that in Istanbul, a city I love and always gladly return to. The place where the retreat was held was a beautiful hotel right on the shores of the Bosphorus, still in Europe, but with Asia in view. For me, arriving at the hotel in such turbulent times felt like entering some sort of womb, where I was beyond the reach of the time and everything it brings.
And I saw Mohanji! But the happiness and excitement quickly faded, as an undefined fear began to grow in my stomach, a feeling of rejection and not belonging. I knew it would be hard because I recognized an old, familiar pattern. I also felt that I was ready for a shift in my spiritual growth because, before the very retreat I had undergone a serious sadhana, mainly due to the lack of external world content, which the pandemic had significantly reduced. However, I didn’t see where I was going, nor did I have a clear goal for my spiritual path, at least not on a conscious level. But on a deeper level, everything was clear, everything had already happened. And so it began! The days passed, and the nightmare from within grew stronger each moment, and at times even reached the point of being unbearable. I felt completely invisible like a ghost walking through that beautiful, luxurious hotel on the stunning Bosphorus.
A part of me knew that I had the strength to get through this drama because Mohanji never goes over the boundary of your current possibilities and never “opens” what he cannot “close.” My only prayer during those days was: “Just don’t reject me, and give me a sign from time to time that you see me!” I repeated it like a mantra because those little signs from him in physical reality were the only confirmation that I existed and was still here. When I later spoke with people who participated in the retreat, from their perspective, I was one of the participants who just wanted a little more silence and nothing else. My emotional drama was a game of my mind, which Mohanji brilliantly guided, and which aimed to help me go through experiences that would give me the “desired” emotions. Emotions whose roots are very deep and extend through countless lifetimes. This is how great Masters do it! You go through the experience and the emotion it carries, in fully controlled conditions, while he holds your hand. All you have to do is trust, relax, and when it gets really hard, grab that hand tighter and you’ve passed. Very simple, but not always easy! The drama in my head grew, reaching its culmination the last day. For some reason, the fear that there was only one more day left completely overwhelmed me. What if he says, “I’ve already done it, and you?” Maybe he overestimated me!? I only knew that in such a dysfunctional state, I could not return to Belgrade because I had to be at my workplace in two days. And I wasn’t even sure if I really existed… The final evening! The wonderful atmosphere of the evening Satsang, which continued with storytelling, laughter, gratitude, and love. All of this gave even more contrast to the heaviness of my emotions. It seemed like everyone had gained so much and was returning flying high, while I was at my lowest point so far.I went to my room and fell to my knees. I prayed from my heart for clarity, for peace, for the strength needed for this journey. I fell asleep after midnight, but by 3 a.m., I was in a meditative position, without an alarm.
I felt strange sensations in my back, like energy climbing from the root of my spine. Around five, I joined the kriya group, followed by a yoga session. Although I had a very strange feeling in my head and body and was extremely tired from lack of sleep, I somehow endured until the final part of the class, which was “gapless breathing.” I began to follow the rhythm Devi had set, and suddenly, I clearly heard: “Faster!” Then, immediately after: “Even faster!” Then: “Even faster!” And that’s when I got lost. My body no longer existed. A part of me knew that I was there, in the hall, at the retreat, and that was all that connected me to the life I had been living until then. But that didn’t matter compared to a new reality that opened behind my closed eyes. This reality was made of an infinite number of pixels, of various colors, grouped into forms of different densities, in constant motion and change. Everything was in a constant process of creation and dissolution, everything flowed without stopping and without end. I was mesmerized, realizing how much of an illusion our senses create for us. And suddenly, the question arose: “Mohanji, and you… where are you in all of this?” Few seconds after, every pixel of that new reality echoed: “I am here!” I clearly understood, what was not uttered: I am everything and in everything! I was overwhelmed by the wave of gratitude that flooded for the immense grace of my guru, who had shown me his true face. And for what stands behind the form that was tangible and accessible to me. For the first time, I felt what it means to cry tears of joy, in ecstasy and trance. For the first time, I felt 100% alive. This didn’t last long. Slowly, strength returned to my body, which still trembled for a long time, so as the senses regained their dominance over something with which I had observed that other reality. I came back! The first thought was to find Mohanji, and I knew exactly where to find him because I saw that it was breakfast time. I rushed into the restaurant and headed towards him: “Mohanji, I saw you!”
He looked at me with that loving gaze of his, turned to the people sitting with him at the table, and said, “Raicevic says she saw me?!” I got a little confused: “I’m not joking, Mohanji!” He turned towards me, took my face in his hands, and said, “Do you think I don’t know that?! Why don’t you show people who you are? Anyone who dares to open their eyes will see, don’t worry about that!” How do I protect myself from the ego, after all this? -Leave that to me! We still have a lot of things to do, but now we will go slowly, so it’s not painful… Several hours after that, we had a flight to Belgrade. Before that, there was the last Satsang, during which Mohanji asked me to share my experience from that morning. That was the least I could do for someone from whom I had received so much, despite my great fear of public speaking and my limitations with the English language. Given that I was in his energy, it came easily and comfortably, as if I had spent my entire life on stage. What an ease of existence, on all levels. At that moment, I had only one wish: “If only this magic could last longer!” I returned to Belgrade. The euphoria was significant, although I didn’t know exactly what had happened. It was clear that something great had occurred, but how it would reflect on my future life, I couldn’t even guess. In the time that followed, many moments truly shook me and threw me into various emotional states, but all of them, no matter how intense, lasted briefly and quickly faded into complete oblivion. From this distance, I can say that what I received in February 2021 was an emotional stability that allowed me to move forward faster and more easily. To be an observer of my life drama, no matter which chapter of it unfolds on the stage, and to remain stable on my feet. Sometimes emotions overwhelm me, briefly, but then the thought “I am here” returns, and I immediately create distance from them. I head on, with full surrender and trust in what I saw. Something that transcends the ability to be expressed in words, be felt through the senses, and be understood by the mind. Something that is everything and in everything!
